God, Jesus, & Desperate Dic(k)tators

Offensive Language Alert! Copious Amounts of the Eff Word Ahead — delicate language sensors not in place. 

Of course there is a God.

There is a great big is and ever was and ever will be. The most clever of us know what religion God is too. It’s a secret that only the Illuminati, some Freemasons and all Jedi know.

:::very long pause:::

Bathroom Graffiti The dilemma shouldn’t be what religion God is, the dilemma should be why we are compelled to believe in a God with human morals or standards in the first place. Humanizing deity is ridiculous. It’s a joke. Rewards or punishment in the next life — as a result of being motivated by guilt or shame —  should be the first sign of emotional manipulation. It’s a passive-aggressive head game designed by the elders of ancient days to maintain the equanimity of a tribe.

Laws were made to control through fear because humans are stupid, selfish, and bored. Imagine if everyone walked around with a loaded gun? We’d be very polite.

Some of our ancient wise men were filled with ego, pride and vanity. They wanted things done their way. If the people in their group listened, worked together and co-operated, the exponential success of the tribe was guaranteed. If it ain’t broke, don’t fiss it. We’ve been spinning stories since.

As for stories? Arguing the validity of the Bible, ancient letters, notes or journals compiled and written thousands of years ago by megalomaniac Emperors and holy wo/men as “The Word of Gawd” should be a game show instead of the serious business it seems to be.  The outrageous crap that sits in the manuscripts or codices we regard as sacred is stunning.  I’ve read more inspirational and real words written with a sharpie on a bathroom wall in a truck stop gas station.

That’s not the point, what is facinating to me are the Xian apologetics frothing at the mouth about how the New Testament was written before “all the nonsense with Constantine” and therefore Jeebus most certainly did exist in all hims glory because, hello? It says so righeeet heyah! :::begin pointing at big black book called The Bible::: 

Most Christians aren’t informed with the historical facts. The wonderful human referred to as Christ Jesus did not exist. He is a fictional character who represents the faith and hope of those who carry The Christ Consciousness, and a Divine Spirit.  Sure, there were a few men who bore the name of Jesus at the time, and they were rebel hippie dudes who flipped the bird at the establishment; but most of all, and least remembered was Apollonius of Tyana.

Explain to a bona-fide Christian that Nazareth never even existed and you get a blank stare. When they put two and two together, expect them to prepare an inquisition where you star in the torture part of that Q&A because, hey … God would want them to torture you. You damn blasphemer. How dare you question their belief system?

Explain to your torturers the Council at Nicaea (we won’t go into any other councils, but much like Stonehenge is THE HENGE, no one pays attention to all the other amazing stone circles) and they begin to narrow their eyes while they contemplate your possible affiliation with Satan. Bring in the Historical Facts about Constantine killing the Vedic “Pope” (gasp! imagine if we were all Hindu or Buddhist?! OH MAH GAWD!) and how it was decided that instead of Alexander the Great assuming the mantle of Divine Son, or the man that really did wander around preaching peace (that Appollonius from Tyana mentioned earlier) some rebel named Yeshua ben Pandira [Pantera] was a better bet.

Yeshua was the guy for “every guy and gal” — just a simple dude. Believable, and boy howdy, let’s use that “guy who was crucified” as the example instead of a possibly homosexual legendary historical figure whose mother claimed that Zeus impregnated her or the well off son of a merchant who didn’t really cause any trouble at all but made loads of sense when he quoted the Buddha.

Here’s how that went down at Nicaea (the Irreverent Reverend testimonial):


saintnicholas5Eusebius: “Hey  ‘Tine … let’s have our dude have a mom who was impregnated by a God! The One True God! Our God! Because our God is a team player!”

Constantine: “Superb idea you! I shall have to insist that you were inspired with that idea by this God though, and please write the whole story down. As I recall it, Gabriel is the angel who hangs out on Ladies Night, so make it fall into place with what is already believable by these masses, I’m sick of anarchy.”

Maximus: “‘Tine, you da man! But wait, does this mean I have to call myself something else besides Mahattamas? I have been Mahattamas in several life-times and … ”

Constantine: “GAH! Oh hale noh. That’s going to have to go away too. None of this second chance stuff, from now on *wink wink* we tell er’one they get one shot at this thing and really scare the fuck out of the poor bastards. This way, we can make ’em cough up extra money if they want special favors or pardons.”

Eusebius: “I’m not sure people are going to dig this, brah. Seriously dude, we better come up with something super special. What the hale are we going to call ourselves anyway?”

Constantine: “The people, they want a savior, but not a Jewish one! The Hebrew word for an anointed one is mashiahh — exactly the same thing as the Greek word Christos —  and because Krishna is the boom shakalakah AND because we’ve all agreed that the Roman born son Yeshua ben Pantera (Pandira) is going to be our Big Man On Campus (all in favor say, “Aye!” [ hence now we have the Illuminati crapulence with the all seeing EYE] — yeah …) AND they’re all calling each other “Chrestos” anyway, let’s just stick with that.”

Eusebius: “But ‘chrestos’ means ‘you’re a nice guy’ …”

Constantine: “Fuckyeahhowdy I’m a nice guy …”

Eusebius: “no no no … not you, er’one else…”

Constantine: ” Χριστός I’ma cut you … ”

And thus began the first fist fight over whose Jesus was better; and it continues to this day. Trust me, Apollonius would be rolling in his grave if he could. However, he’s hanging with Sophia, Deborah, Buddha and a few of his buddies somewhere else.

In the words of Bo Burnham “…there are a trillion aliens more interesting than you. God isn’t going to love you just because you think he should.  Love yourselves.” Do your homework, don’t be afraid to think for yourself and don’t be a dick. God would like it if you stopped being a dick to everyone. Seriously. Just stop it.

Peace Out


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