“The last few weeks have been unbelievably difficult for me.”
A friendly acquaintance asked how I was yesterday. That was my answer.
I followed it up with, “And no, I’m not okay. But thank you for asking. How are you?”
My FA (friendly acquaintance) stopped what they were doing long enough to give me that look. The one that says, “I don’t know you well enough to ask you WTF, but you did let in some light through that crack and now it’s my choice to determine if I care enough to ask WTF.”
The FA made the determination to say what the vast majority of my previously CF (close friends) have been saying too, “Oh yeah. Man, it’s rough everywhere.”
And thus concluded my experiment for the last couple of months. Many of my CF have been shuffled to JF (just friends) and some previously JF have been relegated to CF! Oh, it’s the Consciousness Friendship Shuffle. When clues are given, and “you” get them, use them.
Forgive me, but I’m not okay these days, although I am rising up out of the ashes a better person, a stronger person. This doesn’t mean that I’m the same person I was a few months ago either. Some of you used to like me, too. Fact is, I used to like some of you more, to my own detriment. You can’t count on that any longer.
Thanks to Vito Mucci’s incredible book Coffee For Consciousness 101, I’ve been able to see the flaw in my design and why I was typically the person left with nothing and no-one. Silly me, I’ve been surrounding myself with train wrecks and narcissists because I was clear up to my eye balls in self loathing and needed to reinforce my belief system with selfish people wrapped up in victim blankets so deep they were mummies.
Yeah, I know. Me. I was doing that?
I have the equivalent of a Ph.D. in analysis and Jungian Archetypal Psychology. The Tao of Psychology was my bible! And I was still caught up in the “If I only try harder I will succeed in fixing this other persons mess so I can feel better about myself.”
So I began an experiment.
Since June, I have been implementing some of the work, ideas and processes outlined in Vito’s book.
Here’s what has happened:
- My husband and I fall in love with each other daily.
- I stopped feeling sorry and making excuses for the “CF” in my life who used to say, “Sarah is so generous she’d give her last five dollars to someone if they needed it!” — which was code that they had zero remorse about taking my last five dollars and I was insane if I thought I could ever ask them or rely upon them. Ever.
- I was virtually shut down and screamed at by other “CF” who are so “filled with compassion that they should get an award” and it didn’t destroy me. It allowed me the opportunity to open a door in my psyche that gave me permission to make a solid judgment based on observation and personal experience.
- My relationship with Spirit and Source has become deeper, richer and much more tangible —
- … which allows me to have true compassion for myself, especially as I heal from dense childhood trauma.
- I see people as they truly are, and not what they want me to think they are — which has been shocking and weird. Sometimes destabilizing — but again, I have compassion for myself and I can make observations about my reality without second guessing my own agenda.
- I left a job, and started another company of my own.
- My life has become less complicated, less noisy and I have been surprised by the quality of certain people who, oddly enough, have “always” been around. Who have “always” cared. I just didn’t know, most because they don’t swim in a pool of needy drama and constant heart ache.
I have gratitude these days, for wise people. I have deep respect for those who “show their work” and don’t embellish, who don’t gloss over their flaws and cracks, but don’t make those same flaws and cracks excuses for mindless, unconscious or mentally ill behaviors.
The last few weeks have been extraordinarily difficult for me. Thank you for asking. Thank you for assisting me through a terrifying time of decision making and soul searching. All of you.
I know who you are now.
Do you want a signed copy of Vito Mucci’s book?
Tweet “I want #CFC101 all 545 pages of it!” to @RadioNahmaste and/or share this article on your social media, but tag me in it somehow so I can put your name in the drawing we’re having on October 31!
If you haven’t listened to the interview I had with Vito, it’s archived on my PodBean or at Body|Mind|Spirit Radio.